Best of Intentions

Today is Wednesday. We have not left the house since Sunday. Only two days, but it is Summer. The season of being outdoors, doing something, anything. Not the season to stay inside. However, that is how I find myself most days. Four kids under five and I struggle. I have the hardest time controlling the kids inside. The thought of going outside is terrifying. I have recently spent much time wondering and contemplating why I don't want to do anything. This is what I have discovered. I feel like the second we go outside or try to do anything I don't have complete control. Things get crazy and the kids get dirty. When we are inside I have everyone nice and contained. I can watch everyone. No one is getting too out of hand. I know I am getting to a place where I am totally doing things with the boys. But then you throw Juliet into the mix and complete chaos. I really feel like most parents can not relate to this aspect of parenting. I try not to be over the top crazy mom about this but I am. The other night I was laying in bed planning out the following day. I was running through all the options. Then my crazy head starts into the crazy thoughts. I really want to create this vivid picture of how things are when you have so many kids that are so young. You have a child when they are young and they don't grasp the concepts of 1. pain, 2. consequences, 3. cleanliness. Now you are trying to teach that times 4. Okay, so anyhow....I do realize that I am over the top crazy about protecting my kids. I know I struggle with leaving the house, even venturing into the backyard. This has become progressively worse lately. And I know I don't like my kids to get crazy muddy. But I am one mom and I try very hard everyday. I constantly struggle with mommy guilt. All this leads up to today. I woke up at 5:30a to get myself prepared and cleaned up for the day. My plan was to get the kids up early, go to the Y to exercise (I also struggle immensely at taking time for myself), let the kids play, stop off for a quick trip at the library to get new books, pick up lunch and spend the remaining part of the day at my sister's allowing the kids to get filthy. I know that sounds like a lot, but we haven't left in two days. At 8:45 I made breakfast, laid the kids clothes out and then woke them all up. No one wanted to eat breakfast, no one wanted to wash up and forget about brushing their teeth. I explained to them that we were going to leave, but no cooperation. Really? Brush your teeth and we can leave. That is all I am asking. Still very little cooperation. Patience is draining from me. Jackson walks up to me with food in his teeth and says, "I brushed my teeth!" I replied with, "What did you use?" "Toothbrush!" Time out for lying! Among many things lying is a very big issue right now. It kills me how my kids can look me right in the eye and lye without their expression changing at all. I can not lie at all. Regardless, I was frustrated, disappointed and completely out of patience. I went into my bedroom and opened up my jewelry box. My good necklace and one of my good earrings was missing. Panic filled me, immediately I was sweating. I know I didn't leave them somewhere because I wouldn't have put one earring up. And the events in the last week quickly led me to my children. Two weeks ago I lost my bankcard. I was on the phone with AT&T ordering a new cell phone. I sat the card on the bookshelf. When I went back gone. We searched and never found it. I ordered a new one. A couple days later I lost my wallet. Okay this is getting silly. I am not the type of person to lose things. I am a little disorganized but my wallet. I called the store I was at earlier (Wonder Bread Outlet) and no luck. My only thought was I dropped it in the parking lot. I searched the car at least three times. I was getting ready to drive to the store. When I desperately looked at my boys and said, "Did any of you take Mommy's wallet? You will NOT be in trouble if you give it back." I was thinking this is one of the few times I had cash in it, Jeff's $50 Gander Mountain gift card from Christmas and at least six movie passes. As soon as the words left my mouth Jackson quickly runs upstairs and returns with my wallet. "Mom, you have money! Will you take me to the bouncey place so I can play games since I found your wallet?!" Um...that will be a ginormous NO! In that same weekend I lost my camera. I didn't have it for the boys last t-ball game. That was disappointing. Long story short Jackson ended up returning it to me. He had hid it in his room. He had taken over 100 pictures during the last couple of days. I know because the outfit he was wearing in all his 'self portraits' kept changing. Now, today my jewelry. I made the boys go to their room, hoping someone would return with it. In the meantime, I can hear them each throwing temper tantrums. I went back to my room, searching everywhere. Minutes later Juliet walks in carrying part of their bedroom door, "broke, Mommy, broke!" One of the boys had kicked in part of the bedroom door. Wow, really!? Feeling my heart race and anger fill me I rushed up the stairs. For some reason, I stopped mid point on the stairs and just prayed. "Fill me Holy Spirit, fill me Holy Spirit, fill me Holy Spirit..." That is all I could think of. Peace is what I felt. I calmly walked in and asked what had happened. Of course, they each blamed each other. I said, "you are spending the day in your room." I turned around and came back down stairs.